Navigating Identity: Reflections of a First-Born Polynesian Daughter

Hey guys! So with today's post, I wanted to talk about navigating my identity not only as the eldest and only female, but my connection and relatinoship with my culture. As I've grown older, I've come to realise the importance that the role of my culture plays, and my responsibilities in trying to connect more with my ancestral roots. Learning about and growing closer to my culture hasn't been an easy or pleasant journey throughout my childhood, and it still is a little bit of an intimidating path for me to embark on. Nevertheless, it is something that I desire to work towards so that I can come closer to understanding my true identity and knowing what makes me, me.

The title of the not only being the eldest child, but also the only female in my house hold wasn't of much significance to me growing up. If you've read my previous post, you'd know that I grew up in a very loud and difficult household. Due to both my parents needing to work full-time and bills needing to be paid, I wasn't really given the opportunity to explore or learn much about my samoan heritage. Sure, I'd hear stories of her stories about how breakfast was plucked from breadfruit, and banana trees. Or how my Grandfather was the only one in his village to own a Television. But that always seemed to be were the line ended. In order for my family to survive the western world, I was encouraged by my parents to work hard in school, be smart, and make sure I would be able to provide security for myself and my family in the future. Of course, I was always a very ambitious and studious kid, so this definitely was never much of a challenge for me. However, on every other Sunday, or holiday, I would be reminded of my disconnect with my samoan culture.

Being at family get-togethers always made me feel anxious. I would get so anxious that I would quickly try to mentally prepare myself before arriving at my cousins place. I would already be re-inacting the scenarios in my head. Things like "Okay, if I walk in I need to make sure I say hello to the right uncle in proper order", or "When it's time to clean up, I need to make sure I'm not useless but at the same time not trying to be bossy or else my cousins would get annoyed at me", are common thoughts I would stress about while riding in the car. I remember being so scared that I would speak really soft because I didn't want to get into trouble. I was so lost in those environments that I never said or did anything. That's probably why I never got close to my cousins or when I did get comfortable enough, we would get into trouble with the adults or one of my cousins would get annoyed at me. Because of this perception that I adopted very early on, I always viewed samoan culture as a distant community that I would never be able to find a palce in. Like a puzzle piece that wanted to be a part of the picture, but never could. From time to time, I would feel the pull towards wanting to belong, but feared the possible push back or rejection. I fear it even today. Many of my close friends know this about me, but not much in this world can scare me. But one thing that scares me more than most things is being rejected by my community. I could just go on from where I'm comfortable and exist within the confines of the western world, but I always feel like there's this part of me that's being neglected. Despite feeling uncomfortable around samoans or the particular environment, there's always this feeling of warmth and excitement that I feel whenever I'm near. Maybe I just had a bad start and it's not always fear-filled like I had previously thought. Such questions do often cross my mind, however I've never been able to muster enough confidents to fully attempt to reconnect and strengthen my bonds to this part of myself.

When I was young (maybe around 12 or 13 yrs old), my oldest uncle at the time was taking care of my cousin and I. My cousins were able to understand samoan and speak a little which is a lot more than what I can do. So whenever I was at my uncles and aunty's house I would lean on them to help me translate and understand. This kind of made me scared as well because I always hoped that they wouldn't try to talk to me or else I'd suffer large amounts of embarrassment and mocking. Anyways, I remember sitting on the couch next to my cousin and my uncle hits us with a few questions, interview style. At this point he started with my cousin, these were all in Samoan, and as per usual she responds but in english, which seemed to be permissable to my uncle. She passed the test. As soon as it came to my turn, I was able to understand and answer the simple questions, but then he starts asking longer, more wordy questions. I remember him saying samoan words that I had never come across before. I turn to my cousin as per usual, but this time he tells her not to translate for me. I go into full panick mode. Not only do I not have the support or crutch of a cousin to lean on, but my parents aren't there to speak for me. The longer I took to respond, the louder my Uncle's voice got. He repeated it a few more times and was full-blown yelling at the top of his lungs at me. "Why don't you understand?", "Why can't you speak Samoan?", "You're mum and dad are stupid for not speaking to you in Samoan!". The 12 yr old me back then absolutely broke into pieces. This was the rejection I feared and the worst case scenario wasn't a scenario anymore. It was my reality. I burst into tears. I was so hurt by not only the words, but the attack and pressure I was put under. At the time, I remember thinking to myself that if this is what the Samoan culture is about, then I don't want anything to do with it. I also remember thinking "If only I knew how to speak samoan, then I wouldn't have gotten myself into this situation", "I could have saved myself the embarrassment and shame if I just knew how to speak". Looking back at it now, my Uncle probably just had a bad day and I just so happened to be in his line of fire. Regardless, that memory left such a deep, hurtful wound that I am still trying to heal 10 or so years later.

I have come to understand in my older age that this memory had everything to do with the individual and nothing to do with the culture. But from a teenage mindset, I had made the devastating mistake of believing that this was what Samoan culture was about. Social structure, total submissiveness, authoritative respect, and discipline. Nowhere in my collection of vocabulary was love, care, and support present in my mindset towards Samoan culture. I had such a skewed perception of it and therefore, had a moment where I wanted nothing to do with it. I had completely cut out that part of my identity and frankly, it worked for my family as well. Moving from Samoa to Australia, my parents, particularly my mum, didn't value culture that much, therefore it wasn't really present in my household. Sure, my mum would speak in samoan every now and then but was not the type to teach or answer questions that I had. I don't really know what life my mum lived, or the things she experienced to feel that way about her own heritage, but cutting this part out of me seemed to be easier for my parents.

Fastforward now to this year. After spending some time trying to heal my past traumas, I'm ready to attempt again at reconnecting fully to my culture. This isn't going to be easy and I'll probably be embarrassed a lot. But I want to enrich my identity and cultivate the parts of me that makes me who I am. I wouldn't be me if it weren't for the sacrafices and efforts of my ancestors. It is because of them that I have the resouces and opportunities that I have today to explore and navigate my way through the world. I respect and believe that my heritage has much to teach me, and maybe if I stick to it, I'll be able to understand more of what I'm made up of. Maybe I'll be able to deepen my connection not only with my ancestral heritage but with myself. I think when it comes to one's identity, it's important to be conscious of the labels that the world puts on us and also the labels we agree to hold onto. Yeah sure, I am many things; a student, an eldest sister, an aunty, a cousin, an artist, an academic, and a writer. But I believe that all these labels came to be, because I am firstly, a child of God and secondly, I am a Samoan woman. I believe that as I delve into this peice of my identity, I can learn more about myself and strengthen my ties to the people that helped me reach all of the blessings I have received in this lifetime. I want to heal my past and rebuild a newer, healthier, more fruitful connection to my Samoan heritage.

Thank you guys for reading! Take care and stay well <3

Ms Pebbles x