If Doubt wasn't a Problem

Hello, My flowers,

I know in previous posts we've gone through and discussed a bit about not being afraid and having the courage to go after our goals, but one thing I have always struggled with and am continuing to struggle with is doubting and not having full trust in myself. I feel like there are a lot of things that I want to do, but there are always blocks that prevent me from wanting to take a chance. But anyways, here is what I would do with my life if doubt wasn't a problem.

If doubt weren't a problem, I would become a freelancing artist and sell my pieces. I would spend most of my free time making jewellery and doing any other form of art like painting or ceramics. If doubt weren't an issue, I would be able to provide value to the community through the things I create and the knowledge I have to share. If doubt weren't an issue I would take the risk of quitting my degree and travel to Samoa as well as the other islands and learn their knowledge on natural medicine and healing practices. I would take the journey and learn more about myself as well as discover ways of connecting to forgotten medicines. I would be able to help others heal from emotional as well as physical afflictions and offer relief for those in need. I can see myself, being a full-time healer and also using my free time to indulge in art which is also another income for me as I make pieces for those who want my art. I would also make jewellery that is connected to spiritualism and offer it to those who seek healing from me as well. If doubt weren't an issue then I would be able to let go of approval from my peers and family members about how to pave my path. If doubt weren't an issue then I would fully put my trust in God and the Universe and let go of my need for control/stability. If doubt weren't an issue I wouldn't let what others or myself would say about my methods of going about my life and let it scare me away from doing what I feel called to do. All these things I would do if doubt wasn't a problem, yet, I still do.

I still let doubt and lack of trust consume me because I don't want to fail. I don't want to take a wrong turn and be unable to return to the starting point. I guess in full truth, I'm afraid of failing and being unable to live up to the big dream I have in my mind. But I know that not moving at all is failing in itself. In my head, I feel like if I move I risk failure, and if I don't move then I will also likely fail. I'll fail because I hate working in the Western world. My mind shuts down and I feel like dying. It feels like such an injustice to force myself into working a 9-5 job. I wish that I had a mentor who I could trust. One that wouldn't shut down my dreams or crush me with comments that discourage me from going after what I feel like is my life's purpose. I wish that I had a step-by-step guide on how to accomplish the life that I desire. One that would guarantee that this risk is the right risk to take. But overall, I think what I'm really lacking isn't a support system, but trust in myself to not need this validation.

The other day I was speaking with a friend of mine about the fact that I don't feel like I can make decisions with my life unless I receive permission beforehand. I want to be given permission by someone else because then at least if I were to fail, it wouldn't entirely fall on me. But I know this is wrong and something I need to sort through with myself. I haven't even fully divulged my life goals with those closest to me out of fear of rejection. I know they mean well and that they don't want me to fall into a difficult position, but I feel like taking the risk. I want to but doubt makes it so hard for me to be sure within myself. As a person, yes, I do like to take risks and be spontaneous. But the risks I take are calculated. The thing with spiritualism and healing is that there is no "one-size-fits-all" way of becoming that. I guess I don't have a mentor for that precise reason. It also seems that every time I try to do something with a safety net underneath, I end up in unfavourable positions. Every time I try to ask people what I should do, it usually comes down to "It's up to you" or "That's something only you can figure out for yourself". Because if that's the case, then wtf is the point of seeking out a mentor? I get it and I've been told many times before that I shouldn't lean on other people. I have it within myself to go get what I want. But I'm afraid and I feel like I haven't truly hit rock bottom yet before I become desperate enough to take risks.

This may sound crazy, but I feel like God or the universe just dumped this crazy task on me to figure out. Like, they want me to learn how to trust in myself and them. But like, is it too late to ask for a different struggle? because this is getting annoying now. When I spoke to someone who has spiritual abilities they were giving me cryptic answers and I'm sitting here thinking "If I become a healer, will I end up talking like this? Because what the actual heck?" 😭 also I spoke to someone else and they also said "It'd be best if you developed your gifts by yourself because you already have a strong ability to figure it out on your own". Like, okay I'll just go at it alone as per farken usual 😭 Sorry guys, I'm just ranting now but the main point is, it's scarey walking along a path that doesn't seem to have any rails to hold onto or people to walk you through it. If I could compare it to anything, it feels like you're walking in the dark and there's a voice that is telling you where to go yet you aren't sure if you should trust it. It's not clear where it will lead you, but sitting down will only make you sit in the dark longer. You try to feel around for something to hold onto but there isn't anything.

Yeah, I don't know what the fark I'm talking about but anyways, I feel like the real title of this article should be "If money wasn't a problem" because I would gladly do everything I said in the above without hesitation. But I'll be sure to document my next steps and how it turned out. Wish me luck 💀🤞

Take care, stay safe, and all the best!

Ms Pebbles x