Cultural Roots and Personal Growth: My Journey...

In Today's post, I want to delve a little into the intricacies of my personal growth in a technologically advanced society whilst coexisting with my samoan family. I feel like living in a samoan household as well as the western world, is a difficult field to navigate, not just for Polynesians as a whole, but especially for eldest daughters. In my experience, the relationship between honouring cultural roots and allowing room for those roots to grow in an uncharted direction from my samoan heritage has been far from easy. There are still many ups and downs, but it has been a rewardinge experience none-the-less. So strap in and lets go on a short stroll through what that personal journey has been like for me.

In order for everything to make sense, I think it's important to start with the very people that shaped and nurtured me while young. I'm not entirely sure if this is a common phase that all pacific island eldest daughters experience, but for me, there has always been a push and pull relationship between myself and my parents. The plain truth is that many Polynesian families carry unresolved traumas and experiences that are subconsciously passed on in the form of children. Growing up my parents had a very tumultuous bond. Many people these days would label it as "toxic love" and to be honest, I agree. I'd rather not go into specifics, but lets just say it resulted in me having an unhealthy attatchment to my mum and a distant, resentful attatchment to my dad. This doesn't go for every pacific island family, but for mine, unification wasn't exactly my parent's strong suit. It felt like my parents were on different teams and as the eldest, it was my God given responsibility and mission to appease them. I would either stay quiet and not ask for much, or I would push myself in academics so I could impress them. I would do anything humanly possible of a child to make sure their lives didn't seem more inconvenienced than it already was. Now, please don't misunderstand. Times were tough for my family, but we also had many good, fun times as well. Being the only child for the first six years of my life meant that I got all the nicest presents during Christmas and that my birthday was a very special annual celebration, which my parents made sure to make it all about me. I'm not trying to make it out that my parents were horrible people. They gave me everything they thought a child needed and for this I am eternally grateful. But overtime, all the gifts, presents, food, games, and clothes didn't seem to protect me from the emotional turbulence that plagued my family dynamic.

From my personal experience and being twenty-four years old, turning twenty-five this year, I've come to realise that nurturing a child takes a lot emotional maturity. I had discovered that all the material things in the world can't substitute the gift of healthy communication and love for a child. I feel that this is especially relevant to today's modern society and I believe that the absence of this was the catalyst that led me to be overly stressed, anxious, and chronically depressed in my adulthood. People pleasing became my way of surviving the emotionally unstable environment that I was raised in. For a child, when significantly stressful events occur, it can be difficult for our little brains to know what to do. It's through these events that children enter their "survival mode" and develop habits to protect themselves. For myself, that was people pleasing and for others that may materialise into a victim mentality or developing an avoindant mindset. Regardless of the outcome, the lack of comfort given after such an event or improper reassurance can affect the child in ways that we can't accurately predict.

Upon this realisation, I was flooded with resentment towards my mum and dad, one could even go as far as to say that I hated them. To be honest, there's moments where I get so frustrated that the feeling of hate seemed valid 💀 When I began forgiving myself and giving myself grace, it felt like a relief but it also broke my heart because prior to this realisation, I saw my parents as these "all-knowing" beings that knew everything about everything. I thought that they were perfect because they were the ones responsible for raising me. But that all came crashing down, and in that sense was also a traumatic experience in itself. I especially felt devastated with my mum. It was as if the light bulb switched on in my brain and yet at the same time, was so overwhelming that it like everything I thought I knew was shattering. Although my relationship with my dad was pretty much non existent, it was more hurtful to realise that my mum wasn't the perfect person my brain had made her out to be.

But after much healing, and after some much needed space, I came to realise that resenting my parents and putting them on blast wasn't going to fix me. I think somewhere in my brain I thought that if I told my parents how much their parenting affected me, they would be sympathetic and apologise for not being aware. But that's the very thing that I failed to notice. They weren't aware, I mean, who really knows the best way to parent when starting a family? The truth of the matter really is, our behaviours and mindsets are passed down from generation to generation. Our lives are entertwined and strongly bonded to the roots of those who came before us. The role of being the eldest daughter is a difficult one that only eldest daughters will be able to understand, but a very rewarding one in the end. As the eldest daughters we've been blessed with the job of taking these behaviours and consciously choosing to update the system so that we can equip our next generation with the tools to live a fruitful life. The role of the eldest daughter deriving from a Samoan heritage is an especially taxing one because of the responsibilities that are required of us. However, we are espescially blessed with the capabilities and the framework to progress and develop in a way very specific to our situation. My parents may never be able to truly and wholly comprehend the effects that their actions had on me, but I choose to love them regardless. I can do better and be better for my family and those that I care about. My greatest takeaway lesson and something I continue to hold myself accountable to, is to never hold onto the past with resentment but to let go and learn from it. After all, no one can do it the way an eldest daughter can!

Thanks for reading guys! I hope this has been an enjoyable experience. There's definitely a lot more to explain in terms of personal development and my own journey with healing generational trauma, however there are plenty of blogs to come.

Stay safe, stay well, and take care

Pebbles x